I am at the point in my living span where there are fewer and fewer people my age or older. Getting older, of course, is normal in the big scheme of things, except it isn’t so normal for me. It’s a new experience because it is the first time I have been this age. So, I am a bit tentative about how to navigate through this untested period.
In the past, I took care of many relatives as they continued into old age and eventually died. I learned a lot from observing what happens in the aging process and how to manage it. The progression that happened with all of my older loved ones is becoming real and personal for members of my generation and that includes me. However, what I learned from caring for people doesn’t necessarily mean that it is easy to apply these lessons to myself. I’m making the effort, but it’s an existential struggle.
Many friends, a very few remaining relatives, and I are dealing with chronic or acute illnesses, broken bones, or loss of balance. Some are experiencing memory problems. These ordinary, but unwanted, intrusions can prompt us to contemplate making changes. Some of us prefer not to think about it, others take a wait-and-see approach, and still others try to be proactive. I usually like to think ahead and do some planning, but in this case, it’s not simple. I feel that I am in an in-between time where the beginnings and ends of this elder segment keep shifting. The problem is that it isn’t clear when to make a decision or whether or not to make one at all. What is the right moment to face reality? It is simpler to delay thinking and acting.
For me, this in-between phase feels like I’m straining to keep my balance on squishy terrain which I know can become less stable in an instant causing uncertainty and confusion about what to do and when. There are decisions to be made on both the small and practical, as well as larger, life-changing levels. The smaller ones are relatively simple. Be cautious on a walk and watch for tripping hazards so as not to fall and break my arm. Keep my sensory system on super-alert for any attention-worthy caution signal. A problem is these targeted foci can easily become neurotic, incapacitating behaviors.
The bigger issues like whether to stay where I live or consider a place with more community supports and services have, perhaps, greater significance. They raise the unsettling specter of admitting I am not the same as I was a few years ago, or even last spring. This in-between time embodies a profound dichotomy between two deep-seated necessities: retaining a sense of self-sufficiency versus acknowledging a decrease in adeptness that may signify a need for additional support and some loss of autonomy.
Friends and relatives have handled this conundrum in different ways: stay where they are and hire help, or move to a facility that provides meals, activities, and housekeeping. Actually, each scenario involves some acceptance of aging with all of its implications. There is no right or wrong, except when there is no decision and we put ourselves at risk and potentially negatively impact the lives of those who care about us. What is “wrong,” is denial of our aging and failure to make appropriate choices and accommodations in light of this inexorable process.
This uncertainty period can last for a long time or a precipitous event can prompt an immediate, crisis-driven adjustment. So, I sit here thinking and trying to accept my own advice to plan ahead. If I figure this out, I’ll let you know. In the meantime, I continue living in the time in-between.
Marian,
you write for me as well. Thank you for sharing these thoughts.
Judy Packer
As usual, you have shared a most thoughtful and “spot on” assessment of the conundrum of decisions we make as we age.
Harriet
Truthful, honest, and unsettling. Sigh.
All so true. I think it is helpful to check out various senior living, continuing care residences to see if there is one you could imagine moving to. Then at least you have a clearer idea of what your options are. I have done that and find it comforting to know where I could move. I got on their long waiting list some year years ago, so I know I could get in reasonably quickly.
I watched my father, he did it so well! Hope I learned!
I live in a 55+active senior apartments community. The friendships and support that I’ve received during this most difficult time(losing my husband)are beyond wonderful.
Exactly! And, it sucks. We are trapped in these cocoon and want to live as before. It can be terrifying at times abd if one needs the community support and care, who can afford it? Thanks for mind reading! As always, a well written and well articulated stance. Thank you.
Marian: You are an incisive mind-reader and say it like it is! That’s why I love reading your articles!
In my late 60s I am contemplating LTC insurance in case I need it as I age. So many don’t have it and I wonder if I too can get away without investing so much money and just see what happens? Definitely in a place in between…
Thank you for articulating the things that we are contemplating as we age. It helps to know that we are all in the same place at this stage of our lives. It makes me feel more connected to others. My friends and I talk about the fact that our children really don’t understand our issues at this time of our lives. Someday they will but until then, we have you.
You are right on target as usual! I have made a decision and with a little luck will head a bit north to Peabody, MA and independent living in a facility that has 3 levels – independent, assisted, and a nursing home. They do some of the cooking, some of the cleaning, and I can keep my car! Several of my old friends from high school are there and it is close to where I grew up – Salem. It also has activities at night and several places to hang out, including the lobby. It actually closes the circle of my life.
Marian, your essay as always is food for thought!
However, for the first time, I do not feel as you, suspended between two realities.
I am very fortunate to have a “glass half full” attitude, inspirational friends who are older than I am, who have had life threatening health challenges, come thru them, and still live life to the fullest in their own homes!
True, they at times employ help, but on the whole have a positive upbeat attitude about their socially engaged independent life style.
One of them will be soon celebrating her 100th birthday!
Mariam,
People say act your age, but I have never been this age ! So I don’t how to act this age , and to plan the reality of life, Our life is a personal journey with many cross roads and decisions, it is not easy to see the light at the end of the tunnel, planning for the worse is always hoping for the best. Life not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather slide in sideways, totally worn out shouting “what a ride”
Thank you for your reality check.
Marian .. as our English cuzins apply state “ spot on “.
Linda and I continue to live independently here in FL .. watching the Flood Insurance & Homeowners Insurance rise like a space shot from Cape Canaveral.
I continue my life’s work in the veterinary practice o us to have recently employed a COO to run the business .. as I have resumed being the resident VMD engaged with examining pets for either international travel and/or international relocation
A young DVM has joined the business as a relief veterinarian when Linda take time off .. some weeks are a 3 day work week .. some are a 4 day work week
My great grandson “Teddy” is thriving in Georgia … he will be one year old at the end of July … Andi and Ron’s oldest son .. Lee Parker .. has recently been engaged to Jessica
Grandson Jacob Woolf and partner .. Julianna Ciccio …having survived the fires on the island of Maui .. now pursing the culinary arts.
Still focusing on our three goals .. someone to love, something to do .. and .. some to hope for.
Life moves on in its weird, wild and wonderful days.