I struggle with how much personal stuff to share with Newton readers. It ultimately comes down to whether I’ve had an insight that may benefit others. After a lot of thinking, I decided to reflect on some lingering health issues. Perhaps my musings will help someone with their own situation.

More than three years ago, I had a stroke. It came out of the blue, no warning, no major risk factors. The clot affected my right side – weakness, immobile hand, sluggish foot.

Tests and body imaging uncovered no explanation. But it happened and I had to manage it. I had acute-care hospitalization and then spent a number of weeks at in-patient rehabilitation with subsequent occupational and physical therapy at home.

My non-working hand recovered pretty quickly, maybe because I had a clear, time-sensitive target that needed that hand. I was completing my fifth book and preparing for a book launch.

My kids brought my lap-top to the rehab hospital and I forced myself to type. As I used my left hand, I prodded my right to wake up. After two weeks of occupational therapy and resolute typing, I was able to press the computer keys with all fingers. Having a concrete, short-term objective was the answer and the motivation I required to overcome the problem.

As my stroke-related issues improved, I began to have joint pain and knew it was time to seek assistance. I found my physical therapist, Glenn Affrunti, in neighboring Wellesley and he asked what my goal was. Somewhat flippantly I said, “get rid of the pain and cane.”

He explained his process. “I don’t start with what I think a client should do. I start with learning about their physical capacity and their personality. Everyone is different… Some need structure and accountability, others need autonomy and education. Most need to feel they are heard before buying into any therapeutic plan.”

I was heartened by his serious deliberations. “I build trust before I build intensity – I won’t guess what people need,” he explained. “I work to understand them.”

In the beginning we worked a lot on core strength – necessary for any kind of physical improvement: Stand from a sitting position without holding on, use a pulling machine for the upper-body, and walk a ‘flat’ ladder for balance.

Glenn gave me clear instructions for home exercise. Did I do what he suggested? No. I knew I should, but I didn’t. Why?

Maybe because I didn’t have a deadline for “no pain, no cane.” I realized I had to reassess what I was trying to accomplish.
“People don’t stay consistent in the long term because they are motivated. They stay consistent because they feel capable,” Glenn told me.

His comment gave me much to ponder and I concluded that well-defined goals were in order. To re-set, I had to better understand myself. “Some people want me to fix them,” Glenn notes. “But, in reality, my job is to help solve complicated problems and educate people on how to mend themselves.”

Glenn’s words were provocative. What needed fixing? What was I capable of? To understand myself better, I decided to watch my routine movements. Amazingly, what I was or was not capable of became clear within a few minutes.

When I walked, my right foot shuffled and stumbled – still, after three years – making me feel off balance and very afraid of falling. It was a genuine ‘aha moment!’ Suddenly, I fully appreciated the real issue: little confidence in my body’s competence. I had identified the thing to be fixed.

I reported to Glenn. We agreed that I had done well with body strength. But my self-observations made us both understand more fully what had to happen: capability to walk without fear. We expanded our focus on improving balance.

He researched the literature for other interventions. I investigated options and signed up for beginner tai chi, a Chinese martial arts exercise. A new objective is to dance at my young relative’s (can you be more specific, like cousin or grand-niece?) wedding in June.

I am intrigued by this coming together of my “inside,” self-knowledge and Glenn’s “outside,” objective expertise. This unseen, but powerful merging seems at the center of my physical recovery.

Basically, both Glenn and I had to understand me. It took a while to acknowledge this partnership and my role in it. It will take more time to make the new goal real. Glenn has imparted his deep knowledge, but it is up to me to use that wisdom for action. Glenn is right. It’s up to me to fix me.

Note to readers: Glenn Affrunti, physical therapist, was my partner in writing this article. In interviews and discussions, we explored what it takes to help his clients (including me) improve physically and what helps him achieve his professional goals.