Two thousand twenty-three has been a year of rapid-fire aging immersion for me. Of course, I, like everyone else, have been aging – forever. I didn’t notice it much and didn’t take the time to think about what it meant in my youth, adult-hood, and senior status.
When I reached my eighties, this inevitable, stubborn process began to take on an intensified presence in my consciousness. In the past, I could just bounce from one negative, somewhat normal event related to aging, e.g., cataract surgery, get through the procedure, and keep going. Now, the frequency of such occurrences is relentless both for me and those I care about making it almost impossible to just slink through as I used to. The time between incidents has become shorter so that healing interludes offer a diminished capacity for absorbing and adjusting to a new reality, and any required adaptations.
For people my age, COVID was the beginning of an unprecedented aging era. Some friends and relatives contracted the disease, and a few of the most-frail died. Since I was healthy when the pandemic began and I took all of the necessary precautions, I was spared any bad outcomes. How pleased I was with myself for withstanding the virus and staying well. I now acknowledge my hubris because I have learned that the simple process of aging continues inexorably on its own no matter what routines or disasters may be happening.
As I approach the end of this year, my mind is full of aging reminders. I try not to be drawn into melancholic thoughts, but it is hard not to worry and wonder. What’s going to happen next? Who will become a casualty? I can’t know the answers to either of these questions. However, I do know that the getting-older inevitabilities are hovering ready to land. The “wheres,” “whos,“ and whens” are mysteries and will remain that way until they are revealed.
I find myself saying “you just never know” a lot. This phrase has become my newfound truth. I was perfectly fine for a mid-eighty-year-old taking no medications and leading a pretty active life. Then, early this year, one day I was fine and the next day I wasn’t. I was blind-sided by an out-of-the-blue health problem. I got through that pretty well with a few physical and emotional residuals. However, that episode permanently altered my life. Mostly, people can’t notice any changes in me, but they are not inside me experiencing my being. Only I truly know what’s the same and what’s different.
I’m back doing most of what I used to do – like writing articles. But just when I feel I’ve made some progress, I find the increased frequency of deaths, sad diagnoses, and dementia among family and friends to be a bit disheartening.
Unfortunately, these unhappy things will continue and likely to accelerate. That is the nature of aging. Each of us must deal with that actuality in a way that makes sense for them. I have been thinking a lot about what my appropriate response should be. The best that I have come up with is to have a purpose robust enough to take me from today to tomorrow. I must continue to tell stories –ones that have meaning to me and, hopefully, others. These stories are mostly simple ones – about ordinary lives and experiences like our personal yet, universal, encounters with aging.
I can’t stop getting older. I can only hunker down, stick to my purpose, and tentatively find my way into the future until who knows where or when.
Nice piece. I really got something out of your perspective. Thanks.
David, My main reason for writing these articles is to, hopefully, help people gain insights into things that are going on around us all. When I receive comments such as yours it gives me confidence to keep on going – and keep on writing. You can’t know how much I appreciate your thoughts. If you have a few moments can you let me know what you got from my perspective? Thanks.
Also, Congratulations on being elected Vice-Chair of the City Council!
Marian
Learning to be comfortable with and welcoming of mystery/uncertainty seem like deep spiritual practices to me.
Randy, Yes, I do feel that reflecting on life experience – including getting older – is a spiritual practice. I find comfort in doing that. Hope you are well.
Marian,
I am a decade behind you, but we find that we and our friends share exactly what you describe! We are fortunate to have had relatively smooth sailing all the these years. Now the facts of the later years must be dealt with!
Thank you for expressing so well
Marian,
You say IT so well. Alas, there is only one way out. So, let’s not even think about the passing of time too much. Rather what we do and how much can be accomplished along the way., And have some fun doing whatever it may be!
Marian, Thank you for sharing aspects of your personal experience with getting older (so beautifully expressed). Your reality-based optimism is an inspiration. Even though aging is a solo adventure, your words make the reader feel less alone. I know my mom cherished your insights during your many years of friendship
Thanks Martha. I miss your mom a lot. Her spirit was and still is an inspiration to me.
Dearest Marian, Thank you so much for this article. It expresses exactly what my sister says to me. She knows that she is changing and having a difficult time dealing with it. I will read this article to her because it will help her to know that what she is feeling is normal.
Her blindness and hearing is getting worse and she is thinking about her birthday in January when she will turn 87.
New, scary and the unwelcome results of aging are now beginning to appear and need to be dealt with.
My way for most of my adult life has been, I firmly believe everything starts in the head.
Excluding a terminal illness, I deal with setbacks as nothing more than an INCONVENIENCE!
Realizing that a setback is not the end of the world, has helped me put things into perspective and gives me a “roadmap” into ways to get thru whatever I’m dealing with!
This mindset for me, has been my
salvation!
It has been an invaluable way for me to endure and get thru whatever hand I’m dealt.
do whatever it takes to do so
As always, wonderfully stated albeit it is fearful and frustrating. It is also a time of great reflection-what am I able to do now that will make a difference and, of course, the constant what ifs. If I did this or that. It’s hard.
The aging health and abiibity issues definitely bear their weight but clearly beat the alternative!
I fear for the future, less my own and more for our kids-,it is an incredibly scary time, one that I do not recall being this challenging. The world is in chaos and being Jewish, I cannot help but worry about the extreme antisemitism. I would never have expected it.
So we must persevere and try and do as much as possible, in the time remaining, to add something to make the world better-fostering an abandoned dog, perhaps, writing to get out the vote, speaking against fascism and racism, and get through each day as best we can.
.
I also feel the value of long term friendships that I hope I did not take for granted, and especially yours xxxxxoooo
Dear Marion,
I am also experiencing those same feelings. My father died 69 years ago and my brother 23 years ago. My father’s yahrzeit is in two days. My mother made it till 92. My husband died 8 years ago. I am now the oldest in my family. I am living with my son and daughter-in-law. She is like a daughter to me. I am very thankful. My other son and daughter-in-law live in Needham with my 3 grandchildren. We see each other once or twice a year, although we face time quite often.
I can’t do what I used to do and that is hard. I no longer drive at night and that is the hardest. I don’t like having to ask other people to take me places. I take many pills and walk with a cane. My back is in bad shape. I try to be positive but sometimes it doesn’t work. I think I have known you longer than any other friend I have.
I was blessed to know your parents who were like family. Joe would never have come to California without the help of your father, and I wouldn’t be here and not have the family I do. I am so grateful.
On a happy note I still sing your father’s song Happy Happy Chanukah.
I hope you are feeling better and you and your family will stay well. Maybe next time I come east we can get together.
With love,
Anneta
Your comment brought back so many memories! I teared up as I read it! Love, Marian
I have been amazingly fortunate in my 85 plus years to be relatively unscathed by any major illnesses. But I also notice the inevitable slowing down and the niggling arthritic pains that are my daily lot now. Marian you expressed the aging process very well. Let’s hope we can keep going as we are.
No question. We will keep going!
Thank you Marian for reminding me that I am not alone in these goings on! I am both sorry and grateful to have the problems I have, as with none… well, enough said. Truly things just don’t work quite like they used to. It seems I just have to get used to it and make needed adjustments along the way. I have this bold idea/fantasy in that knowing I am on the downslope of the “Bellcurve of Life”, that somehow gravity is on my side in a good way and that I am a bit like a runaway freight train, or better yet a passenger train, riding with friends and loved ones along the way. In this new sense of aging, I am in some degree gaining wisdom through the process. Wisdom with which I am barrelling along and gaining a sort of odd life-force momentum. All of this tempered by the desire that I manage the brakes well and not derail in the process, all while providing myself with the thrill of it all, and hopefully providing any others on board with the best possible ride.
Best to you and yours, Mark H.
Thanks Mark. I love your poetic approach to life!
Thank you Marian. It has been a privilege to be your next door neighbor. Your post is so true. Aging is in part “due to one’s head” – how one thinks, but also to what we are health wise.We have to strive to reconcile both, to be positive and realistic. Good friends are essential and we are fortunate to have you next door. Let us share and be together and support one another. You are great!
Happy New Year
Ludwik
Thanks Ludwik!!
Dear Marian, you are such a bright light! You express the life’s truths simply yet profoundly. Thinking of you, and I’ll call soon!
xxoo Laurel
I’ve known you for over 80 years and so appreciate your writings about aging. I find that putting a smile on my face helps others enjoy their day no matter what their circumstances may be. Of course, that doesn’t help my wrinkles!! I have lost several close friends recently, and that is the most difficult part of growing old. My husband and I are happy to wake up each morning and party as often as possible. That’s our therapy!!
Marian,
I have been following your words of wisdom for many years since reading your first book and meeting you at Mattapan Community Health Center. As I near retirement, I am looking forward to that next chapter in my life. You are definitely a role model for those beginning that next journey. Keep writing and inspiring us to remember that it’s not over yet!
Marian: Wishing you a very happy and healthy new year! Great writing as always! A lot of what you said really resonated with me. The recent loss of several friends and the resulting grief and mourning have been very tough on me. But I seem to rebound because of the activities I have loved doing since I retired ten years ago: book clubs, many Osher and Olli classes, writing articles (our mutual interest!), theater, and movies, movies, and more movies!!
Take good care!