I think a lot about what it is like to get older – even old! I can’t and don’t want to stop musing about this phenomenon. I can’t avoid it because it is occurring all around me with friends, family, and, of course, myself. I could ignore this progression, but trying to deny it feels a bit dishonest and unrealistic. It will continue on its inexorable path whether I or others like it or not.
When I talk with other ‘agers’ I hear the anxiety they feel about aging: “What is going on with me – this condition, this pain, this fatigue? Why is this happening? My doctor(s) tell me different ways to deal with it? I don’t know what to do. This never happened to me before.”
During a recent conversation, I suddenly realized that we ‘agers’ don’t know what to do because (duh!) we have never done it before. Throughout our life stages there have usually been people with practical, hands-on experience to guide us. In childhood, for example, we learn from parents, siblings, cousins, friends. Often someone can help when we scrape a knee or bomb on a test. In young adulthood, there are lots of ways to find practical information on tracks to take into the future. As slightly older adults we find cadres of people who are working, developing relationships, having children, and managing budgets – just like us. Lots of resources are out there for retirement planning. We can look back on those years and gather insights simply by observing what we did when a decision or action was needed. This kind of reflection helps to clarify who we are and what is important to us.
Now, we are going through another phase, one which we have never gone through before. Of course we get confused and a little frightened. Never before, have we gotten ‘old.’
This idea brings me to the second part of my statement that I don’t want to stop thinking about it. I prefer to keep reflecting, but in a positive way. Often-used statements like, “Getting old is not for sissies,” annoy me. It suggests that, unless you are impossibly brave you will have a terrible time getting old. I prefer to manage symptoms of aging by making it as good as it can be – given personal circumstances. Yes, health and other providers can assist with certain aspects of aging. But there is all of the stuff in-between – the rest of our lives – every day. I can only share my resolutions. You will decide what works for you.
I’ve decided that that it is OK to be confused about aging. It’s natural because I have no proficiency in it. I will not consider myself a ‘sissy’ simply because I am naïve and inexperienced. Having acknowledged this, I am liberated to create a meaningful path forward. I thought hard on what I’ve learned about myself based on years of living. I have clarified what are the most important things in my life. Prominent, is staying connected to family, old friends, and making new friends. Almost as important, is to keep my body moving. This is tricky because certain parts don’t work as well as they used to, but I try to do what my body will allow and not chastise myself if can’t do more. I identify political and social issues that I care about and what to do to make a positive impact. I’m working on this but it’s not simple. I can’t participate in marches (balance isn’t great). I can’t write post cards (small motor coordination in my dominant hand is compromised). Probably the most important thing for me is to keep my mind active. I am concentrating greatly on that – researching topics, talking to people, and then spilling out what’s in my head. Fortunately, I can still type.
Like you, I have never gotten old before. I work hard to elude despair, understand the bewilderment of aging, and find ways to learn and grow from each day of new knowledge.
So far Marian you are doing an admiral job handling this bewildering new phase of life!
You are curious, resourceful and enjoy many social and intellectual
opportunities!
I think you’re handling things just right!
Marian, you have put this topic of aging on another level. I find that taking one day at a time and thinking less and enjoying more is so much less stressful than spending our days researching and trying to figure out our body’s aches and pains.
Sheila,
You are right! One day at a time is the best thing to do. And definitely enjoy every moment. We have no idea what is going to happen tomorrow. We have all experienced things that have occurred without warning – things we may not have been able to prepare for.
Aging is still freaking me out! You do it with such grace! Me, not so much.
Always a wonderful and inspiring perspective! Love you!
Donna,
I wonder if freaking out is ok at times, as long as it doesn’t interfere with logical, calming reactions.
Love you too!
Lovely article, Marian. The thing that you have that creates a sense of satisfaction is knowing your purpose and having the skills to carry it out. You are a fabulous writer. Thanks for being in my life.
Phoebe,
Yes, having a sense of purpose is one of the main things that keeps me going and keeps me writing! I am so pleased to have met you through somewhat round-about circumstances.
Living in a community such as Mayfower with so many vibrant people—- both younger and older than I, somehow I usually don’t think too much about being old. I’m also fortunate to have a husband who still feels/act? like he’s 30!
You are so fortunate to be in a place and in a circumstance where there are wonderful supports from the community and new and old friends. I really don’t think about being old that much, but I do hear a lot of things from people who are struggling both physically, emotionally, and existentially. We are very lucky!
You nailed it again! You have put into words what we are feeling. Long live LOLATS .
Your comment about putting “into words what we are feeling,” is the kind of response that keeps me writing. Yes – go LOLATS!
Marian: wishing you a very happy and healthy new year! I think that I may have told you that, when I was working at the Department of Health and Human Services many years ago, I met with the director of a nursing home in California. He had a small sign on his desk that said “Old Age is Not for Sissies”. So I think that I may have told you about this as I know I have told it to many other people. But because of your recent wonderful article that stresses not using this motto or mantra for excellent reasons, I will not use that expression anymore. Instead, I will tell people about how you enlightened me! Thank you!
Les,
Although the statement about ‘sissies’ had annoyed me for a long time, I had never thought about why I had that reaction. It was an ‘aha’ moment for me. I am going to start thinking about what other statements are out there that have a tinge of ageism.
Thank for a life lesson on living as we age under our own guidance.
Carmen, Yes, we have to get older using our own life experiences as a guide.
Marian, I love your writing every month. As you have said, writing is your purpose,and it is so important for all of us. We learn from our experiences and from others as well.
Sheila,
Yes, writing is my purpose and my purpose for that is to write things that hopefully resonate for people. So many of us are experiencing, thinking, and feeling the same things and I try to express some of these things with my own voice.
Thanks so much for your wise comments and your suggestion to face whatever with a positive outlook. Sometimes it’s hard to follow that advice, but it is crucial.
Paula, You are right on. I try to face getting older with as positive an outlook that I can conjure up. I am fortunate to have relatively ‘routine’ issues related to aging, so I haven’t been tested by more serious issues. As for following the suggestion to have that positive outlook, for me the most important things are to define what is most important for me at this stage of life, to eliminate the things that don’t fall into the ‘important’ category, and concentrate on what keeps my mind stimulated and maintaining my connections with people I care about.